Striking a balance

Best thing you can do is just be who you are. Don't try striking a balance... just be you. And if someone takes advantage of you when you do something nice for them, don't stop doing nice things for other people - just keep it in mind for the next time you want to do something nice for that person.
There aren't enough nice people in the world, we have to keep the ones we have. :)

It's all about establish healthy boundaries and identifying who/when they are violated. I highly recommend a book called 'Safe People' which worked wonders when I was feeling used and taken advantage of. Check it out.

I'm with Mark on this one. Kindness is in short supply.

Be clear on why you're giving, too. i.e. what, if anything, would you be hoping to get from that giving. simply the joy of giving? sometimes.. but that's rarely the case. in friendships we give and receive... all at different levels, depending on the friendship.

I'd ask, At what point do you feel used? Is it not feeling appreciated? Or is it that you're not getting something in return that you feel equals what you're giving somehow?

It takes being honest with yourself, for sure.

I think the biggest way I feel used is by giving my friendship and love to people who don't reciprocate. Old friends who I continue to contact, but I hear nothing back from them.. sometimes for months. Why do I put up with it? Because I love them. And I know they love me (although sometimes I totally second guess that, like "wow, maybe they stopped liking me" haha)... but bottom line is that I send them gifts, cards, leave messages, etc because I care about them. And I realized I don't do it for them... I do it for me, because I love them. I'm doing my part for me. And as long as I'm clear on that, I'm OK with it.

Sorry for the long winded post here.

:::

I'm glad you are who you are, Jeff. You are kind and generous and, as I've discovered over the last year, you are a good friend. :) Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to draw your boundries to take care of #1.

I'd also suggest the "no seconds" approach. I don't think you should feel too bad about yourself, being good to people has nothing wrong. It's the people who took advantage of you that's wrong. Guess who's going to heaven and who's going to hell? :P

I once had an arguement with my girlfriend because she thinks I am being too good to people, even other girls. I wondered a lot because she was in the same christian elementry school as me (that's how I know her) and christian is supposed to give. Then I realize I am not Jesus and I can't give to everybody so I made up a rule for myself: Only help those that can't help themselves. I guess it's true, if someone does not have the ability to do certain tasks and I've got some extra hours lying around, why not get someone out of a mess?

Wow, good responses, thanks all.

Why do I give to people? I think I'm this way because I've been burned before. As Willo says, I've had too many people in my life who have just disappeared and lost interest in keeping in touch. These are people who were good friends, and in one case, a best friend. I think by being "too nice" I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt again.

I'm not looking for people to return the favor by giving me something of equal value. I can buy my own stuff :-) But in any small way is nice enough for me. I've had too many one-way friendships and I'm tired of those.

Jeff,

I can relate to and appreciate your point of view. My wife and I both finally came to a point where we grew tired of the one-way friendships pulling us down. We both are nice, genuine people and do things without thinking about the "what's in it for us" that so many people do. But at some point you cannot keep worrying about it. This is not to say that some friend of ours in Dallas/Ft Worth (acutally Bedford)we may not talk to in 4 months but when we do hook up again, nothing has changed and I love them for that.

From my slightly (4 years) older experience, you do have to let things fall where they may and let go of the control. Friendships fall away and that is OK - people change (because of maturity, experiences, etc) and some of those friendships are what you both needed at that time in your life and that was its purpose. Everything has its best season.

The thing for us was that we have acutally found our best sense of support and friendships out of our church. We joined out church becuase that is where we felt God wants us to be. The friendships came secondary to our decision but have been a blessing.

I agree w/ Damon's sentiments of, "Friendships fall away and that is OK... Everything has its best season."

I have had so many friendships that are stronger at times than others.. and then some (if not most, considering this transient city) fall away completely. People going from single to involved seems to change things a lot... when someone's single they're more likely to be spending time with a lot of random people and friends they wouldn't normally see as much when they're locked into 1 person. Such is life!

IMPORTATNT INFOR READ CAREFULLY: I have to disagree with madsax. You absolutely have to strike a balance. Everything in the world has balance like the cosmos so why should relationships be any different. I am a nice person by nature and we all know "nice guys never get or keep the girl" I was told by my fiance' whom I love very much and will do anything for that she has to feel protected in our relationship and I'll give you an example of that: if you go to a club and a guy want's to dance with your girl and you know she's kind of a push over and she dosen't like to be mean then it's your job and your right to push him away. Sometimes you have to be an asshole but they key that I learned is not to be one all the time, the same is true with being nice. Your woman has to feel protected on that aspect like at safety net directly under her feet. Even if she's wrong you have to protect her and trust me it pays off. I just learned that I don't protect her and she feels she has to get it from somewhere else which led to all kinds of problems. Sometimes it's not the things that you do that hurt it's the things you don't do.